| Totally stolen but I love this bit. |
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| 01:43pm 09/03/2006 |
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mood:  thirsty music: Mirror Mask - Close to You
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I Like Monkeys!
The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece.
I thought this was odd since they were normally a couple thousand. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth so I bought 200 of them. I like monkeys.
I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one of them drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in the genitals. I laughed. They punched me in the genitals. I stopped laughing.
I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their new environment. They would screech and hurl themselves off the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into it's third hour. Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive; they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sort of dropped dead. Kinda like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. God damn cheap monkeys.
I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room; on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I had 200 throw rugs. I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck. Then I had one dead, wet monkey and one hundred ninety-nine dead, dry monkeys.
I tried to pretend that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for a while, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real bad. I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in my toilet and I didn't want to call a plumber. I was embarrassed. I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortuantely there was only enough room for two at a time, so I had to change them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn't go bad.
I tried to burn them, but little did I know that my bed was flammable. I had to extinguish the fire. Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and one hundred ninety-seven dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed.
The odor wasn't improving. I became agitated at my inability to dispose of the dead monkeys and I really had to use the bathroom. So I went and severely beat one of the monkeys. I felt better.
I tried throwing them away but the garbage man said the city was not allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him I had a wet one. He couldn't take it either. I didn't bother asking about the frozen ones.
I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My friends didn't quite know what to say. They pretended to like them, but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in the genitals.
I like monkeys. |
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| Hyimmy |
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| 01:31pm 09/03/2006 |
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mood:  nostalgic music: Plastic Bertrand - Ca Plane Pour Moi
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We called him "Hyimmy" with the obnoxious saliva emphasis on the beginning. The kind where you'd only have said it right if you have to wipe off your mouth after wards. We called him that because that's almost all he said whenever he would see me. Hyimmy... the only audible thing he could make through the head harness. It was supposed to help his jaw heal. We both knew better. Hyimmy. To the uninitiated it would mean "come here" as if there were any reason to get close to him. It. He had a gross misconception the speaking softly made his words more discernible. Usually you could take a look at his eyes and clip off a few words to shut him up for the rest of the day. Well long enough to leave the room but what's the difference by then?
If he looked right in your eyes you could feel the dissatisfaction, the discomfort. The small quaver to his tone as he pressed all the worlds' injustice upon you. I would simply pat him on the head and say "I'll take care of everything" an almost childish whimper would escape his mangled face. My job here was done. I could squeeze this kind of care in a commercial break. If his eyes darted about the room and he tried moving his head I would wipe the thick sweat from his forehead and say "I'll never let them hurt you" it was at least a year before I discovered that gem.
I can pretty much keep him quiet all day. |
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| The new order. |
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| 06:34pm 05/03/2006 |
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It is a pity and a relief. My journal will now be presented sans comments. |
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| 04:49pm 14/02/2006 |
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mood:  tired music: Foo Fighters - Darling Nikki
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happy VD, bleh |
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| 09:22pm 06/02/2006 |
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mood:  blah music: Pink Floyd - Lost For Words
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So I open my door to my enemies
And I ask could we wipe the slate clean
But they tell me to please go fuck myself
You know you just can't win |
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| Wunzen O's Mmmmm.... |
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| 07:26am 04/02/2006 |
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mood:  mischievous music: Lemon Demon - The Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny
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The following message can easily be translated from binary to text. There are even online tools to do this.
Feeling clever?
01001000011000010111000001110000011110010010000001100010011010010111001001110100011010000110010001100001011110010010000001110100011011110010000001101101011001010010110000100000011010000110000101110000011100000111100100100000011000100110100101110010011101000110100001100100011000010111100100100000011101000110111100100000011011010110010100101100001000000110100001100001011100000111000001111001001000000100001001001001010100100101010001001000010001000100000101011001001000000110010001100101011000010111001000100000011011010110010100101110001011100010111000100000011010000110000101110000011100000111100100100000011000100110100101110010011101000110100001100100011000010111100100100000011101000110111100100000011011010110010100100001 |
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| perception + energy = reality |
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| 07:37pm 30/01/2006 |
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mood:  quixotic
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The world around us is a table. Wobbly and shot. I am a book.
You can keep me under the wobbly table leg and all will seem fine, but you're missing out on a greater purpose.
Fix the table and set me on it. I can open up and teach you wonderful things. |
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| update... |
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| 03:44pm 29/01/2006 |
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mood:  chipper music: Kenna - Freetime
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The weekend has flown by. I should be asleep right now but I am stretching out this weekend for every extra minute I can. I swear it was Friday just a few hours ago.
Well on Friday I had lunch with Tony and walked around Borders. I was shocked to find a copy of William Burroughs' Naked Lunch on the discount rack. Um... I own it now.
Saturday was a lot of fun. I went to the Baronial event expecting it to suck and to say my good-byes to a lot of my friends. But it was a lot better than I thought it would be actually. My hope for those clowns has been restored a bit. I needed that. My batteries have been low lately.
I felt so good about Saturday afternoon that I didn't brood over Mike and Ellen not showing up or calling.
Pbbbttt!
Today has been pretty uneventful. but we all need those too from time to time. getting little things done (like updating my journal) and sipping on a nice tall glass of apple soda!
I hope you all had a great weekend too.
I love your parents,
ÐÅÑ |
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| 50 Random Fun-Facts about Dan. VOL. 1 |
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| 02:44pm 24/01/2006 |
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Here's some facts about me. By all means, learn thy enemy. Feel free to respond with facts about me, to fill in the gaps, or facts about yourself. Both would be appreciated!
1) I say "excuse me" after sneezing, even when I'm home by myself.
2) I think wearing matching socks is a waste of invaluable time.
3) It's true, I have an imaginary studio audience.
4) I have looked up the word dictionary in the dictionary.
5) Sometimes I procrastinate because I hate the feeling of "now what?"
6) I never could see those Magic Eye pictures.
7) I used to learn a "big" word a day. I won't bother elucidating.
8) I can only sit and read for about 40 minutes before feeling tired or bored.
9) I believe hair loss is a form of Leprosy.
10) I can hold a grudge for a long damn time.
11) My sarcasm pushes people away and I'm usually the last to know.
12) Sometimes I get tired of being "the funny one" of the group.
13) I give inanimate objects personalities.
14) I don't think I'm half as smart as they tell me.
15) I don't think I'm half as dumb as they treat me.
16) I like my orange juice to have maximum pulp. Chewable.
17) I never grew out of my GWAR phase.
18) When you're talking to me I usually have to read your lips.
19) I'm afraid that I won't ever let myself be capable of true happiness.
20) I root for the bad-guy.
21) I'm addicted to Magic the Gathering.
22) It's easier to feel abandoned than accepted... I'm guessing.
23) My favorite color is purple.
24) I love to cook, but rarely anything healthy.
25) I go through "hermit" phases.
26) When I was a child I used to scream in the barber's chair.
27) One of my favorite movies is "The Little Shop Of Horrors" (1986)
28) I often think about "the one that got away".
29) I give some of the best advice that I never follow.
30) I've only caught one fish in my life.
31) I am quite capable of hate.
32) My father was a professional clown. (oxymoron?)
33) I am orange/blue color blind.
34) I had a tree house as a boy. Damn I miss that place.
35) I never get enough sleep. Ever.
36) I did better in school than I'm doing in the real world.
37) I love to watch old movies when I'm sick.
38) Sometimes my morals get in the way.
39) I haven't been "hit on" in years.
40) I collect old keys. Just because.
41) I can't stand Miracle Whip.
42) I love apple flavored soda.
43) I'm not really into any sports.
44) I still surprise myself from time to time.
45) I'd rather write a mediocre story than read a great one.
46) I miss my parents more than anything.
47) 90% of my laughs are fake.
48) My favorite Disney character is easily the Mad Hatter.
49) I dip my fries in my shake. Nope, not a metaphor.
50) If I could be any fictitious character, I'd be Jesus. He had cool powers and went on a bunch of wacky adventures. |
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| Travel in the spiritual world. |
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| 06:34pm 19/01/2006 |
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“The first entrance to the spiritual world is terrifying to most physical beings. Endless expanses of black sand surround you. All you can see is blackness. All you can hear is the wind. It is very difficult to realize that you are not really there at all.”
The spiritual realm, which has been called the ether, is open to many travelers. These travelers often have some difficulty detaching from the physical laws they are accustomed to. For example, many travelers believe they are still separate entities while "walking" the ether. They are in fact a part of every other traveler as well as a part of the ether itself.
Many travelers begin to develop an understanding for this realm as they “pass” into and through each other. It is widely accepted that an ethereal traveler cannot return to the physical world without remnants of other travelers within. This has been known to lead to delusional behavior and is referred to as the blinding return.
Travels are made for many reasons. For most it is to reach a destination. Some travel for the experience. In the spiritual realm many travel for the chance to “intertwine” with their “surroundings” for pure or devious reasons. These travelers are called connectors.
Some travelers never completely detach from physical beliefs. They create what they can perceive as structures within the ether. Upon connecting with other travelers they can share these visions. Entire “cities” have been created within the spiritual realm and while they can be difficult to find, they can be impossible to leave. One such site is the town of Between.
“It is nothingness that cannot be tasted, felt or seen.
It is living. It is dream, yet nowhere in-between.” |
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| Living and dying and not noticing a difference. |
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| 01:13pm 17/01/2006 |
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mood: blah
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Things are slow. I have so much to do and so little motivation. I wish I could get organized without that whole "get" part. I just need to push my keyboard forward, get up, and attack. Ok - wish me luck. |
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| My soul has astigmatism. life's a blur. |
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| 08:13pm 14/01/2006 |
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mood:  uncomfortable music: The White Stripes - Dead Leaves & The Dirty Ground
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Sometimes I have a hard time writing. If I actually think about what I am typing nothing comes out. So that might be the reason that if you are reading what I'm writing it rarely makes much sense. It has been that way all of my life. I am like a storyteller without a story. All and all, underneath it all, I really just have nothing to say. I am honestly trying to type faster than I can think about what the next line will be. I'm even thinking of other things like what I'd rather be doing or something I've recently heard. I swear my mind is usually everywhere except the task at hand. Maybe there's a pill for me. Sure there is. There's always a pill.
I'd rather smoke than eat. I'd rather sleep than think. I'd rather watch than vote. What made coma a bad word? When I die they'll hand me a trophy inscribed: "didn't accomplish shit" and I'll laugh at the irony. Well maybe. |
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| just a thought... |
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| 05:46pm 14/01/2006 |
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mood: bored music: Blondie - Heart of Glass
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You never see a human walking their blind dog. |
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| Everybody dies. |
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| 03:00pm 11/01/2006 |
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mood: chipper music: Sir Elton John - Goodbye Yellow Brick Road
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I have a new idea for a reality T.V. show that I would actually watch. It's called everybody dies. It would be full of quips and quotes about mankinds' stuggle to come to terms with death while simultainiously having real people from the street hooked up to chairs brought to you by AT&T or Verizon, they would all get to whine about why life sucks and each would get five uninterupted minutes of the attention of the American public. Then a number would flash on the bottom of the screen. Each call to that number would up the shock recieved by one AMP (volts make it hurt... amps make it lethal) so after 30,000 callers decide that you are to annoying to share the planet with, you simply go away. Finally you will get to feel like you were "picked first"
During sweeps week we could have celebrity guest... the kind that VH1 gets... the desperate ones. They could beg for their lives or try to re-use some of their shtick from the 80's. I think they should avoid Gilbert Godfreid or Jerry Sinfeld as it's quite possible that there would be brown-outs through out the country.
One in every 1,000 calls should be connected for 15 seconds so that one lucky viewer could yell at the frying contestant as they are collecting their "parting gift".
My god this show would be a hit.
I wanna be the host.
I can't wait to see the little electric chairs with cingular jack on the side.
Do you think it's too late to get Ryan Seacrest... as a guest?
You know people would actually wait in line to participate. Just trying to cash in their 15 minutes.
Jesus spoke to me.
He told me he was more popular than the Beatles.
I threw away all of his records. |
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| hohoho |
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| 06:07pm 09/01/2006 |
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mood:  hungry music: HIM - Right Here In My Arms
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Sooo glad the holidays are behind us. I wrote this to a friend and had to share it with you fiends.
P.S. There is no Santa Claus. Your denial is amazing. Even the idea or concept is nothing more that a market stratagem. A pagan holiday and the birth of christianity's favorite jew have crossed over and who do they pick as a mascot? And old man (white) wearing Target's colors. Passing around gifts to children. Freaking pedophile. Why do adults get nothing from this corporate sellout? Is it christs message that once your older, god stops loving you? Should we be watching out for Romans to hang us up like a christmas ornament as soon as we get a grey hair? If so how did your Santa Klaus get his gig? Friggin' uncle tom. Anyways... he doesn't exhist. Sometimes our Dads just dress up like him... y'know, to fuck with us.
Bastards. Is my hour up? |
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| 2006 |
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| 07:12pm 08/01/2006 |
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mood: mellow music: King Missile - Detachable Penis
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And to those who are affluent in their Oznerolian studies, 2006 is the year of the Dog. Lest we forget to watch for the signs. Eat well. |
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| Dr. Seuss on crack. |
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| 05:12pm 08/01/2006 |
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mood: disappointed music: The Breeders - Cannonball
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I hate drama.
I hate drama in a house.
I hate drama with a mouse.
I hate drama with my friends.
I hope all the drama ends.
I hate drama.
I like drama on T.V.
Not between you and me.
I hate drama on a boat.
I've never expirienced drama with a goat... no, seriously.
I hate drama in my email,
semiphore, morse-code, or written in braile.
I hate drama so damn much.
Is drama making us lose touch?
I think it is and that won't do.
I leave the end of this up to you. |
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| My lines |
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| 10:57am 07/01/2006 |
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mood:  busy
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My Lines
Uh huh
Really?
Oh wow!
Yeah.
No way,
You don’t say.
I don’t mind
No, it’s ok.
Cool.
That’s fine.
Thank you.
I’ve written a script of the things I might say,
So you can keep talking once I’ve passed away. |
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oz_nerol's journal
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